Shaping our emotional experiences in healthier and more helpful ways through fusion and defusion

In counseling work, I often see a common belief that our emotional experience is directly related to an event, a memory, something that was said, something that is happening now, something that has happened, or something that we anticipate to happen in the future.

So then people try to change “those things”, often with little success leading to mood issues. 

The reality is that our emotional experience is due to how fused or defused we are with “those things”.

If we are fused with “those things”, it affects us deeply in an emotional way.

If we are defused from “those things”, we may still be highly engaged with the thoughts, feelings, memories and events, but our emotional experience will be different.

Examples of fusion and defusion in action:

If we are very fused with “I am not good enough”, our emotional experience may be that of shame.

If we are defused with “I am not good enough”, our emotional experience may be that of humility.

If we are too detached from “I am not good enough”, our emotional experience may be that of overconfidence or arrogance.

If we hear something offensive in a fused state, we may feel deeply offended.

If we hear something offensive in a defused state, we may experience it as a joke. 

If we hear negative feedback in a fused state, we may feel defensive.  

If we hear negative feedback in a defused state, we may feel grateful for the insight. 

The point is, fusion and defusion are within our control at some level. Not easy, but it is still within our control.

The events, thoughts, memories, feelings of others, what others say or judge, is probably not within our control.

So with awareness and the practice of fusion and defusion, we can learn to shift our perspectives and shape our emotional experiences in healthier and more helpful ways.