Internal vs External Emotional Language: Why Both Matter

The 2 important functions of an emotion is to communicate with others through the “language of emotions” and also to communicate with ourselves through our own emotions. This forms a significant part of our non verbal communication externally and internally.

Being great with one does not mean that we can be great with the other. In my mind, they are two forms of “emotional intelligence”. One is more important for “social intelligence” and the other is more important for “self intelligence”.

In counseling work, the challenge I often see is that many can struggle greatly in these domains and hence, impacting relationships and/or self esteem.

I wonder if you have seen what I have seen. 

Emotions Are a Language — We Just Have to Learn How to Speak It Better

Many of the folks I see have emotional regulation troubles and with that, they may want to avoid talking about it and/or working on it. It’s uncomfortable and “not safe”. The problem is, by avoiding it, it’s hard to get better at it.

It’s like a language. The pattern is, growing up, this language is often not well spoken in the family. When we express it incorrectly, we may get strong negative feedback or even shut down so learning to speak “emotionally” well and fluently is difficult. Modelling is also important in learning any language and some may not have great role models in this domain.

So how to regulate a feeling/emotion in simple terms?

If we are too emotive about something that is unhelpful for the context, we may need to learn how to “down regulate” that by noticing it, defuse from it or “zoom out” from it. “Zoom out” just right like easing off the pressure of the gas pedal. Not too much that we are detached or dissociated from the things that matters.

If we are not emotive enough about something that matters, we may need to learn how to “upregulate” that by noticing it and “zoom into” our values, self motivate and taking action.

Simple but not easy.

The rate limiting step is often learning to be mindful and holding space for feelings and emotions of self and others. This can give us “emotional clarity”. Once we have “emotional clarity”, processing feelings/emotions becomes easier.

Why We Need Emotions: 3 Core Functions

When doing psychoeducation around feelings/emotions, it is often important to highlight to patients the 3 main key functions of an emotion.

1. It activates us into action. Without it, there may be less “urge” or compulsion to act. No action may result in no/little outcome or impact and at the same time, action can be helpful or destructive depending on context.

2. It helps us to communicate with others in a more holistic and non verbal kind of way. Nothing needs to be said and communication can still occur. 

3. It helps us to communicate with ourselves and guides us to move towards a life that matters to us, our values/conscience, and to the people we care about.

Without it, we may be lost and without meaning and purpose.

The problem is, if we do not know how to process our feelings/emotions properly and avoid it due to discomfort, we may become lost, stuck with unresolved conflict, and not able to live a life truer to self.

Part of therapy is to become more aware, acknowledge and equip ourselves with better emotional literacy, to improve our emotional wellbeing and our overall biopsychosocial health. 

Holding Space for Pain Without Getting Lost in It

One of things I try to teach Medical Students and Registrars is mindfulness/holding space for the feelings and emotions of our patients especially with the “uncomfortable painful ones”. It’s very important for counseling work and can actually be very difficult for many of us to do.

Not too fused or “zoomed into” the feelings and emotions of our patients but not too detached either.

Too fused or “zoomed into” the feelings and emotions of our patients and we may “catch it”, suffer with our patients, burn out and get compassion fatigue.

Too detached or “zoomed out” and we may risk losing empathy, connection and miss the subtle emotional agendas behind their presentations.

Mindfulness with “the feelings of others” is the “sweet spot”. Not too close but not too far either.

I wonder if you can relate this to our interactions with our patients. 

Emotional Literacy: Intuition vs Emotion

In counseling work, when providing psychoeducation, one of the key fundamentals of emotional literacy is understanding the difference between an “intuition” and an “emotion.”

They are both feelings, but knowing the difference may help us better understand our feelings — and in turn, better regulate them.

For those who are less feeling-oriented and more logic/thinking-oriented, I often use the analogy of “facts” versus “opinions or judgments about those facts.”

In the feeling language, intuition is like a fact, whereas emotion is like an opinion or judgment about that intuition.

So, a fact (or intuition) tends to be more steady and reliable as information — it offers greater clarity.

An opinion or judgment about the fact (or intuition) is often less steady, more changeable, more subjected to biases, and creates an urge or compulsion to act. It is less reliable as information, but much better for driving action.

Therefore, whenever you feel an urge to act, that’s usually an opinion, judgment, or emotion — something more emotive. The stronger the urge to act, the stronger the opinion, judgment, or emotion.

In Acceptance Commitment Therapy ACT, we may refer to this as Fusion. To lessen Fusion, we can learn the skill of Defusion.

When the feeling is steady, with no strong urge to act but rather a mindful awareness, that may be more factual or intuitive. It is less emotive.

In ACT, we may refer to this as Defusion or Mindfulness.

I wonder if you can relate to these concepts and ideas.

The 4 Smarts: Guiding Therapy Through Strengths and Blind Spots

In counseling work, I often see strengths and talents in people with the following 4 domains.

1. “Practical smart” with practicality. This is great for workability.
2. “Critical thinking smart” with accurate knowledge. This is great for truth seeking and innovating. 
3. “Social smart” with empathy. This is great for making others happy and outer harmony. 
4. “Self smart” with authenticity. This is great for making self happy and inner harmony. 

A hyperfocus or an over-indexation in one domain will come at the cost of the other/s.

For example, too much focus on social smart and making others happy may come at the cost of one’s own happiness.

Too much focus on self smart and making self happy may come at the cost of the happiness or approval of others.

Too much focus on practical smart and workability may come at the cost of scientific truth and integrity.

Too much focus on the strict scientific truth and integrity may come at the cost of workability in the real world.

And so on.

So part of counseling/coaching work is to value and embrace one’s strengths, and be aware and work on one’s weaknesses.

If one’s challenge is in the practical and critical thinking domain, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy CBT with structured problem solving, reality check, thought/fact challenge and behavioural change may help.

If one’s challenge is in the social domain, then social skill training and Interpersonal Therapy IPT may help better.

If one’s challenge is in the self smart domain with poor awareness of self and who we are, then Acceptance Commitment Therapy ACT may be the better fit.

If there is poor integration of all four domains, then Dialectical Behavioural Therapy DBT may help with that integration. 

I wonder if you have observed what I have observed or can relate to the above.

Integrating the 4 Smarts for Success in Children with ASD/ADHD

I recently gave a talk for parents of children with ASD/ADHD at a school. The framework I used was something I’ve put together over time, drawing from an eclectic mix of ACT, CBT, and counseling work with individuals and families living with ADHD and ASD.

🔹 The 4 Smarts

1. Critical Thinking Smart – the ability to process information, reason, and solve problems. 

2. Practical Smart – the ability to apply knowledge in the real world, adapt to challenges, and make things work despite limited resources. 

3. Social Smart – the ability to connect with others, collaborate, and create harmony in relationships. 

4. Self Smart – the ability to understand yourself, pursue what matters, regulate emotions, and sustain well-being.  

What I’ve observed is that children with ASD/ADHD often show strengths in the “thinking smarts” (critical and practical). However, schools in the earlier stages may not nurture these strengths, and the subjects or tasks can feel irrelevant, leading to disengagement.

At the same time, many experience difficulties with the “feeling smarts” (social and self). These areas are crucial for building resilience, social skills, managing emotions, and sustaining motivation. When they’re not supported, disengagement can escalate into bigger challenges like depression and anxiety—both at school and at home.

By recognising and working across all four areas, parents, teachers, and professionals can help children not just to cope, but to grow in a balanced and sustainable way.

The 4 Smarts for True Success and Sustainability

Working “smarter” for success and sustainability requires the “4 Smarts”.

Critical Thinking Smart – the ability to gain good knowledge and process it through critical thinking.  This is factual truth and information integrity. 

Practical Smart – the ability to apply knowledge effectively in the real world, even with limited resources, external friction and limitations. 

Social Smart – the ability to foster harmony, support, and collaboration with others.

Self Smart – the ability to pursue what truly matters to you and your loved ones, to remain happy, content, and authentic despite external success. This is what ensures sustainability.

The challenge is that none of us are truly strong in all four domains. Strength in one often leads to a weakness in another. What matters is knowing where our strengths and deficits lie—this awareness itself is part of “Self Smart.” By recognising this, we can keep learning and collaborate with those whose strengths can complement our own.

A common pattern I see is people who excel at critical thinking, practical application, and/or social connection but neglect self-awareness. This often leads to burnout or unhappiness, even in the midst of great external success.

Ultimately, the goal is not just to be successful and help others, but also to be happy to give sustainability. 

The 4 Types of Smart: Which One Are You?

In my counseling work, I often raise awareness about the 4 types of “Smart”:

1. Practical Smart – the pragmatic, hands-on, street-wise kind of smart that gets things done without paying too much attention to “feelings” or fine details. 

2. Book Smart – the science, maths, and theoretical kind of smart. Some would call this being “academically smart.” 

3. Social Smart – the kind of smart that comes from having a talent for reading the room and working with the “feelings” of others.

4. Self Smart – the kind of smart that comes from knowing your own feelings and values, and living a life that is true to them. This brings “inner awareness,” “self smartness,” and a sense of congruence in many things they do.

Types 1 and 2 relate to the thinking type of smart. 

Types 3 and 4 relate to the feeling type of smart.

I have never met anyone who is equally strong in all four domains.

Most people tend to be:
1. Great or talented in one
2. Good/very good in one
3. Okay/not great in one
4. And perhaps hopeless in one

Knowing your own kind of smart is very important. Equally, knowing your “blind spot” is just as important. 

School, parents, and friends often nurture the first three types of smartness. But the fourth – “Self Smart” – is often neglected until we engage in self-discovery, therapy or coaching. 

Without this awareness, maladaptation, adjustment difficulties, lack of thriving, anxiety, and stress are more likely.

Supporting the Inner Compass Personality Style in ADHD/ASD

Many ADHD/ASD folks I see have a very “inner compass” personality style i.e. they are more biased or focused on doing things that “make sense” to them or “feel right” to them, rather than following the “outer compass,” which is what the world wants from them.

To some extent, they are contrarian thinkers, and contrarian thinkers often have a tough life, especially in the early years when they don’t yet have the power, skills, or resources to follow their contrarian thinking.

This can lead to misunderstanding, unmet expectations, and subsequent anxiety/depression. 

From a psychotherapy point of view, I try to help them:

1. Embrace their “inner compass” personality style.

2. Work on the “outer compass” skills or find “outer compass” folks to complement them for workability. 

3. Most importantly, I encourage them not to judge themselves based on how well they manage the outer compass demands — in order to maintain self-esteem.

If self-esteem is preserved through self-understanding and self-acceptance, then these “inner compass contrarian thinkers” may find far more success in later life, when they have the power, resources, knowledge and skills to bring their inner compass ideas to the world.