Helping to shine a light on our blindspots

When doing counseling or coaching work for folks who have anxiety and poor self esteem including Imposter Syndrome, I usually like to raise awareness around their unconscious processes or “blindspots”. The aim is to make something “unconscious” to more “conscious” for acceptance and/or change.

So what are they?

1. The unconscious competence. These are skills and talents that the individual has but they tend to undervalue it or even very unconscious of it. Other people may see it in them but they cannot see it for themselves. They may think that it is “normal” and “not a big deal”. They may not measure their self worth based on this.

2. The unconscious incompetence. These are stuff that they are very bad at but are unaware of. It’s their biggest blindspot. They may run into repeated problems but are perplexed as to why.

So if someone is born or stuck in a particular context where their unconscious competence is not being valued by their families, society or them, or their unconscious incompetence is often triggered or being exposed, then you are more likely to have an individual with significant uncertainty, anxiety and probable low self esteem.

I wonder if you can relate or see folks who match the above patterns.

Finding the multiple Venn’s in one’s life

In the context of psychotherapy and coaching for often “successful folks” in finding “balance” in their lives, these are the main “zoom out” patterns that we can see.

The challenge is to find the “Venn diagram” for many key things in one’s life and also in one’s mind. Here is a brief summary and I wonder if you can relate…..

1. The Venn Diagram for your “outer success” vs your “inner success”.

2. The Venn for making others happy with outer harmony vs our own happiness and inner harmony.

3. The Venn for our own values and beliefs vs our partner’s/family’s values and beliefs.

4. The Venn for our thinking mind vs our feeling mind.

5. The Venn for literal truth vs social truth.

6. The Venn for following your heart/feelings/authenticity vs workability

7. The Venn for doing what is workable vs staying true to self/being authentic

I suspect that there are many more Venns that one has to find throughout life and if we don’t, an “emotional debt” will arise and accumulate, which may then lead to an “emotional bankruptcy” at some point if neglected.

Finding both inner and outer success

It’s always a struggle to find both “outer success” and “inner success”.

Outer success being following what the world/other people think and value i.e. the “world’s KPIs”. This maybe status, big house, nice cars, private schools etc. It’s not wrong to have these. It’s just “one type of KPIs” and not the complete picture.

Inner success being following our own principles and values/inner KPIs despite what the world thinks/feels. This may represent our “passion project”. The stuff that we would do for free or even pay to do. It’s the stuff that makes us happy, inspired or simply just content.

Following one will come at the cost of the other is the usual. It’s the struggle that most of my counseling patients have. It’s a struggle that all/most of us have consciously or unconsciously.

It’s like a Venn Diagram.

You may have to find the common overlap of the two. It’s your own “sweet spot”. It’s different for different people.

Life is a balance between certainty and uncertainty

Life is a balancing act between certainty and uncertainty.

Too much certainty and we may feel stagnant and bored and then seek uncertainty.

Too much uncertainty and we may feel tense/anxious and then seek certainty.

It’s a “feeling” that one has to manage. It’s often harder to do this well on one’s own due to our biases and blindspots.

If one has a partner, often that helps because they are often the opposite to help us regulate.

If you seek too much uncertainty/newness/progress, then your partner are often the one that seek certainty/stability/routine to keep the system in balance. Of course this can also a common source of conflict, and emotional literacy/self awareness are important here to move the partnership forward in healthier ways.