Shaping our emotional experiences in healthier and more helpful ways through fusion and defusion

In counseling work, I often see a common belief that our emotional experience is directly related to an event, a memory, something that was said, something that is happening now, something that has happened, or something that we anticipate to happen in the future.

So then people try to change “those things”, often with little success leading to mood issues. 

The reality is that our emotional experience is due to how fused or defused we are with “those things”.

If we are fused with “those things”, it affects us deeply in an emotional way.

If we are defused from “those things”, we may still be highly engaged with the thoughts, feelings, memories and events, but our emotional experience will be different.

Examples of fusion and defusion in action:

If we are very fused with “I am not good enough”, our emotional experience may be that of shame.

If we are defused with “I am not good enough”, our emotional experience may be that of humility.

If we are too detached from “I am not good enough”, our emotional experience may be that of overconfidence or arrogance.

If we hear something offensive in a fused state, we may feel deeply offended.

If we hear something offensive in a defused state, we may experience it as a joke. 

If we hear negative feedback in a fused state, we may feel defensive.  

If we hear negative feedback in a defused state, we may feel grateful for the insight. 

The point is, fusion and defusion are within our control at some level. Not easy, but it is still within our control.

The events, thoughts, memories, feelings of others, what others say or judge, is probably not within our control.

So with awareness and the practice of fusion and defusion, we can learn to shift our perspectives and shape our emotional experiences in healthier and more helpful ways.  

Helping to shine a light on our blindspots

When doing counseling or coaching work for folks who have anxiety and poor self esteem including Imposter Syndrome, I usually like to raise awareness around their unconscious processes or “blindspots”. The aim is to make something “unconscious” to more “conscious” for acceptance and/or change.

So what are they?

1. The unconscious competence. These are skills and talents that the individual has but they tend to undervalue it or even very unconscious of it. Other people may see it in them but they cannot see it for themselves. They may think that it is “normal” and “not a big deal”. They may not measure their self worth based on this.

2. The unconscious incompetence. These are stuff that they are very bad at but are unaware of. It’s their biggest blindspot. They may run into repeated problems but are perplexed as to why.

So if someone is born or stuck in a particular context where their unconscious competence is not being valued by their families, society or them, or their unconscious incompetence is often triggered or being exposed, then you are more likely to have an individual with significant uncertainty, anxiety and probable low self esteem.

I wonder if you can relate or see folks who match the above patterns.

Finding the multiple Venn’s in one’s life

In the context of psychotherapy and coaching for often “successful folks” in finding “balance” in their lives, these are the main “zoom out” patterns that we can see.

The challenge is to find the “Venn diagram” for many key things in one’s life and also in one’s mind. Here is a brief summary and I wonder if you can relate…..

1. The Venn Diagram for your “outer success” vs your “inner success”.

2. The Venn for making others happy with outer harmony vs our own happiness and inner harmony.

3. The Venn for our own values and beliefs vs our partner’s/family’s values and beliefs.

4. The Venn for our thinking mind vs our feeling mind.

5. The Venn for literal truth vs social truth.

6. The Venn for following your heart/feelings/authenticity vs workability

7. The Venn for doing what is workable vs staying true to self/being authentic

I suspect that there are many more Venns that one has to find throughout life and if we don’t, an “emotional debt” will arise and accumulate, which may then lead to an “emotional bankruptcy” at some point if neglected.

Finding both inner and outer success

It’s always a struggle to find both “outer success” and “inner success”.

Outer success being following what the world/other people think and value i.e. the “world’s KPIs”. This maybe status, big house, nice cars, private schools etc. It’s not wrong to have these. It’s just “one type of KPIs” and not the complete picture.

Inner success being following our own principles and values/inner KPIs despite what the world thinks/feels. This may represent our “passion project”. The stuff that we would do for free or even pay to do. It’s the stuff that makes us happy, inspired or simply just content.

Following one will come at the cost of the other is the usual. It’s the struggle that most of my counseling patients have. It’s a struggle that all/most of us have consciously or unconsciously.

It’s like a Venn Diagram.

You may have to find the common overlap of the two. It’s your own “sweet spot”. It’s different for different people.